Trash and Treasure

His trash.

But your treasure.

His toy to kick around.

To mess with.

To tear down.

To fix.

To throw away when he’s done.

Always, his trash.

Yet somehow, your treasure.

You failed to see the cracks, the scrapes, the scars.

You found beauty in the destruction.

You had the words he never could seem to find.

You provided the safety that he robbed me of.

His trash.

But somehow your treasure.

You talk of a future that I never knew existed.

You promise things that seem too good to be true.

And all I wonder is if you can see it?

Can’t you see the cracks, the scrapes, the scars?

I was trying to fix them.

I was trying to heal on my own.

I was working on loving these imperfections.

And along you came.

You found me.

In the midst of all the destruction.

Thrown away.

Trash.

Leftovers.

You saw past it all.

In your eyes, you saw treasure.

Not lonely forever

Not lonely forever,

Just lonely for right now.

Sadness that is only temporary.

Pain that runs deep,

But will eventually find its way out of your body.

Words that you have allowed to shape your past,

But that don’t have to consume your entire existence.

Actions that tore you down,

But did not break you.

I’m the moment, it all hurts…

And the meaning of time holds no value.

Sadness, pain and loneliness bleed from one day into the next.

But just like a cut,

The aching will fade,

The flow will eventually slow…

This loneliness is not forever,

Just for right now.

This sadness is only temporary.

This pain that runs deep inside you,

Will eventually make its way out of your body.

And just like a cut,

It will heal.

This wound will blister over with reinforced skin,

Tougher and more resilient than before.

You won’t be lonely forever,

Just lonely for right now.

This pain is temporary.

Don’t you remember

Remember that book I wrote you?

With pages and pages filled with my love for you?

Filled with my dreams for our future?

Remember how you never opened it…

Left in a drawer, to collect dust, forgotten.

Remember all of the trips we planned,

The weekend getaways I tried to convince you of?

Or just the afternoon adventures I begged you to join me on.

Remember how you always had something more important going on?

Do you even realize how small it makes someone feel to always be second best.

How about all of the times I’ve needed you?

The times when I’ve asked for your help.

The times when I told you how important it was to me for you to be there.

The moments I’ve needed and wanted you the most…

And you didn’t show up.

Do you remember those moments?

Don’t you see,

When it’s coming from you, it’s important and you need to be heard.

But when it’s coming from me, it’s needy, insecure, clingy.

Don’t you remember?

Can’t you see?

I have been patient.

I have loved you the way that I have always desired to be loved.

I saw past who you sometimes were and was able to see the truest, deepest you.

Don’t you remember?

All of the times I’ve forgiven you?

All of the times I’ve given up more of myself to make you feel more whole?

Don’t you see that I tried?

Don’t you see that this isn’t just giving up?

I need you to please just see that this isn’t all on me.

This wasn’t my choice.

Don’t you remember everything you’ve said to me?

Don’t you remember all the times you’ve told me you don’t love me?

Why can’t you see that I can’t wait for you anymore.

I can’t feel so small and insignificant in your eyes anymore.

I can’t let more of myself go.

But don’t you remember?

I don’t know what it is

I don’t know what it is,

But we are going to be together.

I don’t know when, and I don’t know how.

But I feel it so deeply, one day we are going to be together.

Don’t you feel it when we are together…

There’s this magnetic feeling pulling us closer and closer.

There’s this instinctual feeling that is so natural.

Everything is so natural and easy, isn’t it hard to ignore?

I don’t know what it is,

But we are going to be together.

I feel it so deeply, don’t you?

I know you see it, the ease of things between us.

And how this could translate into other areas of our lives.

I know you feel the passion.

it’s like a constant fire burning in the put of my stomach.

And I know you think one day, it will smother.

But what if it didn’t?

What if we were the ones who could keep a fire alive?

I don’t know what it is…

But we are going to be together.

I just know it.

I feel like I know you so deeply,

But I’ve barely scratched the surface.

Don’t you want to know me so deeply?

I know you’re trying to hold back.

But at some point, we are going to give in.

Because we are going to be together.

I just know it.

I don’t know when, and I don’t know how.

But I feel it so deeply,

that I could be yours and you could be mine.

This house is quiet

This house is quiet.

The silence is almost deafening and makes me see how alone I really am.

This house is quiet and it makes me think of you.

As I lay in this bed too big for just one person,

I imagine you here to fill the empty space.

I’d reach out for you in the darkness.

A candlelight flickering on the nightstand, casting our shadows all over the walls.

I still imagine one more night with you.

Not one hour, not one afternoon, but one night.

And even then, it will never be enough.

This house is quiet.

And it makes me think of you.

I ache to kiss your lips and all the way down to your navel.

I want to fill the silence of this room with heavy breaths.

I’m imagining your beautiful hands grabbing at my neck as I move back and forth on top of you.

This house is quiet,

And I want to fill the silence with you.

I want to fill it with all of the firsts that we discussed but never did.

And as I lay in this bed too big for one person,

I imagine all the ways we could put this space to good use.

I can think of a thousand ways for us to fill this silence

All I can think about are all the things I still want to do to you.

This house is quiet.

It only makes me think of you.

Last summer of freedom

I remember that last summer of freedom.

The summer before I met him,

A time before everything got complicated.

A thousand miles from home,

In a car packed full of friends, laughter and more things than we’d need.

I remember the window down, wind whipping through my hair.

Wilder Mind blaring in the background.

One hand on the wheel and the other holding a sweet cigarette to my lips.

Nine hours from home, and twelve hours from you.

I remember that last summer of freedom.

When I think of it, I think of you.

I remember that hazy night of cheap beers and long islands playing pool with a bar full of strangers.

I can still feel the chill of an early spring night,

Looking up to a sky littered with a thousand stars.

I remember the twinkle in your eye as you pulled me away from the crowd into the night.

The weight and warmth of your body as you leaned into me on the mountainside.

I remember the curiosity, the passion, the relief, of finally being able to be together.

The tickle of your chest hair on my cheek as I traced the outline of tattoos on your arms.

I remember the sweet hum in your voice,

And how we tried to fill the next hour with years worth of conversations.

I remember the moment being perfect.

I remember the vulnerability.

I remember how hard it was for us to say goodbye.

When I think of that last summer of freedom,

I think of you.

I think of that long brown hair and those deep auburn eyes.

I think of you leaned up against the wall on your bed, strumming your guitar.

I think of that laugh that sounds more like a song.

Think of the sweet taste of smoke on your breath,

And how small you made me feel in your arms.

When I think of that summer,

You’re the first thing that comes to mind.

A younger you

I’m laying here thinking about a younger you.

Dark skin stained by a summer spent among the River.

Curly miskept hair.

Young, reckless and full of life.

I’m wondering who you were…

And what life could have been like if I would have bumped into you.

It’s easy for me to imagine long days on the river with you.

And warm summer nights lying beneath a thousand stars.

The sweet aftertaste of beer on your tongue,

Peeling each others clothes off on a blanket in the middle of nowhere.

I’m laying here imagining a younger you.

And how you would have consumed me,

And I would have consumed you.

I’m thinking about a summer love that would have burned hot and heavy.

My mind drifts to times and places that have never existed.

My mind wonders about two people who have never been.

But I think about a younger you and a younger me and how everything would have just fit.

I think about driving down the highway, windows down singing and laughing.

I imagine all the places and adventures.

I think about endless nights exploring each other’s bodies.

My mind thinks about a younger you and a younger me.

Curious, full of dreams, of life, of hope.

When I see you now,

I can almost see him, a younger you.

And I think about a younger me,

And how even then, you would have been everything I’d want.

I can’t do this

I just can’t do this.

I just can’t let you go.

My thoughts surrounding you have changed.

I once needed you to satisfy impulsive urges.

But now I see that I want you for so much more.

And I can’t ignore it.

I can’t walk away.

I just can’t do this.

I just can’t let you go.

And I wonder, what if we just both gave in?

What if we just saw where this could go?

I’ll be your secret,

And you could be mine.

Let me make you happy.

Let’s see if we can enjoy this life together.

We’re both lying to ourselves if we think there’s not something amazing here.

I just can’t do this.

I can’t let you go.

I want to be a part of your world,

Even if it’s just a speck.

But what if we just gave in?

What if, we just embraced something beautiful?

What if we just quit worrying, quit thinking about tomorrow and what’s expected of us.

What if we got lost in these fleeting moments…

What if we gave in to moments so sweet they drowned out the pain?

I want to give in to you.

I want you to give in to me.

I just can’t do this.

I can’t let you go.

I can’t stop thinking about what could be if we just gave into each other.

I can’t stop thinking about your beautiful soul,

And all of the moments I’ll never have enough of.

A Million other things

I’m sitting here, mindless in front of a screen.

A million other things to be doing…

But I’m sitting here thinking… About those lips and those soft blue eyes.

And all of the times I’ve held back from touching you.

My mind is wondering back to our final goodbye and me riding up and down on you.

I’m thinking about my hands on your chest and yours gripping my thighs.

I was fighting the urge to kiss you the whole time.

I wanted to wrap your curly hair through my fingers and pull you so close,

I wanted to feel your tongue against mine and to just get lost in each other.

I was trying to fight the urge to draw even closer to you….

I was trying to my best to let you go.

There’s a million other things I should be doing…

But I’m sitting here thinking how to get you over here.

And what could happen behind this closed door.

Could I pull you in for a kiss.

Would you pull down my top and suck at my breast.

I’m sitting here thinking about you bending me over this table.

There’s a million other things I should be doing.

But I can only think of you.

And all of the times I’ve held back from touching you.

And the goodbye that I never wanted to have.

Supposed to let you go

I’m supposed to let you go.

I’m supposed to forget and move on.

We said our goodbyes.

We walked away before things got too deep.

And I wasn’t ready for it…

But you say, that you need to be done.

You just can’t do it anymore.

And now I’m supposed to let you go.

I’m supposed to bump into you everyday and not be reminded.

I’m supposed to be alone with you and not be tempted.

But there’s a million things I want to ask you.

Are you truly happy we said our goodbyes?

Do you honestly think all of this has come to an end?

Are you fighting this urge as much as I am?

Are you truly ashamed of me?

But I’m supposed to let you go…

And I’m trying to respect your space.

But deep down, is there a part of you that knows it’s not over?

Is there a part of you that knows there’s something more?

You can’t forget and move on, no matter how much you compartmentalize.

And it hurts, to be in the background watching you happily carry on with normal life.

But, I need to let you go.

I’m supposed to forget and move on.

We said our goodbyes.

But I just don’t want to let you go.